Dead Cells and Other Thoughts

The biopsy results that we've been waiting on was inconclusive. A tumor is made up of dead cells, normal cells, and cancer cells. In order to know what type of cancer I am suffering with, a biopsy needs to get a piece of cancer cells. My biopsy only got bits of dead cells. This could be good news as part of the tumor has already died and possibly I am cancer free. Or, it could be bad news, meaning that it's a fast moving cancer. We are hoping for good news.

Now we wait for a cardio-thoracic surgeon to fit me in to do a surgical biopsy. They will cut me open on my side and get to the tumor through my ribs. I will be in the hospital three days. To be quite truthful, Ema and I are a bit disappointed. We are really wanting to start the fight against this cancer, yet we have another roadblock in front of us. This is the common road in fighting cancer. Or, so we've heard.

When I asked the doctor if he still thought it was lymphoma, he told me that he thinks it's a big question mark. It could be. It's cancer, he believes, but what kind? How good is the prognosis?  

It has been really difficult looking at my kids and not getting sad lately. I lost my mother when I was 15, but they are so much younger, more full of life and joy. I don't want my potential death to rob them of their joy as my mother's did for so long. I don't like to talk about my death much. I have a few good death jokes, but no one likes to hear them. I laugh my way through life. I also can't deny the possibility that cancer may kill me. As much as I hate admitting it. Cancer kills people. I've done the funerals. I have the proof.

My wife is the strongest, most gracious and loving person you could ever meet. She doesn't sleep right now. Not until we know something more about the cancer. Not until we're fighting it with all our strength. She's my partner in everything. I love her. My grandmother tells me every time I see her that I really "got a good one, Nate." I have the best one. 

I bought the book "Between Cross & Resurrection" by Alan E. Lewis upon the recommendation of my friend Dr. Cris Mihut. I'm really looking forward to diving into it over the next few days. Cris wouldn't recommend a book that wasn't superb. 

The Brilliance has been on repeat in my headphones. They help me.