Learn from my (parenting) mistakes
When my wife first told me we were going to parents back in 2008, there were equal parts excitement and anxiety. My parents had each divorced a few times, and though I dearly loved them both, there were some things I wanted to make sure I did differently as a parent. Fortunately, my dad (the only parent I have left living) encouraged me to parent differently, as we should all learn from the mistakes of previous generations.
My kids are creative, funny, kind, and unique. It is such an honor to be their dad. But, there are already tangible mistakes I can pinpoint that I hope others can learn to correct. We will all make mistakes as parents. There are no perfect parents. But, perhaps these three lessons will be three fewer that you will need to battle in your parenting journey.
Expect your children to be different from each other.
While my kids all share some similarities, they all three are unique individuals. For example, Nora loves books, Finley loves engineering, and Harrison loves people. But, it's easy to see how their interests part. What can be more difficult is understanding how their emotional, mental, and spiritual makeup deviates from one another.
Every child likes different things, but every child also responds differently to various stimuli and challenges. While "fairness" is often called upon by children in dealing with each other, there's nothing unfair in understanding that each child may have different expectations depending on the season. One of our children is much harder on themselves than the two others. They can go very dark and low if the pressure is put too much on their success. One of our other children needs and expects regular prodding and challenging to motivate them in their next battle. Never expect your children to be the same. Their uniqueness is a gift to themselves and you.
Praise them for their hard work, not outcomes.
My kids hear a consistent message from me that I'm sure they're tired of hearing. In short, it's that we may not be the most beautiful, powerful, or affluent people in a room, but we can be the hardest working.
Some kids are natural athletes. Some are gifted students. For an academically astute child to receive exemplary grades is nice but expected. However, working hard and receiving a B is a true feat for a child with learning disabilities or no interest in schooling. What's most important is not the outcome (whether it was an easy A or a hard-earned B-), but that they put in the work and tried their best to achieve it.
If your child isn't talented at sports like mine aren't, there's something to be said for going out there every day, practicing, and trying hard to succeed. Honor their hard work. As adults, there are times that the outcomes we desire don't happen, but when we've tried our best to achieve them, there is still satisfaction in that journey. If the only measure of success is the ideally desired winning outcome, life will be a disappointment. We won't always succeed. Other people might get the job. Sometimes colleges accept other people. But, we can all work hard to do our best and rest well knowing that we tried.
Don't be afraid of questions.
One of our kids is on their way to becoming a world-class philosopher, I'm sure of it. But, even at a young age, they asked deep questions about epistemology, divinity, and ethics. I remember being somewhat panicked when I wasn't confident in the answer I was giving them to a question with many nuances. But, my wife and I decided early on that we wouldn't lie to our children about God, faith, or the nature of the world.
Sometimes our kids ask a question, and we answer it thoughtfully and satisfactorily. Other times, we don't. There are times when I tell my kids that I don't know the answer or haven't decided what I think about a particular topic yet. But, I've learned that it's a great gift to a child to ask them, "What do YOU think?" Listen, learn, and take it in. Perhaps you're not that interested in whether the Marvel villain Thanos was misunderstood (as one of my children will argue). Still, by embracing the conversation, you're sending a message to your children that their parents are a safe place to deal with life.
My wife was a pastor's kid who is now raising pastor's kids. She was wisely determined early on that our family would not be afraid of tough questions and be humble in embracing nuanced answers.
I could write a dozen other mistakes and lessons I've learned in my time as a dad. And, there are dozens of more lessons I still need to learn. But I love being a dad. Your children are a gift from God. You've been given an incredible gift to help form them into good humans. So, be patient with yourself and your children, and enjoy the journey.
It goes quick!
